Grey

This week has not been a good week for me. It started out marvelously: slept very well, studied and did everything that I had planned to do. However, last night I did not sleep a wink; when I say not a wink, I mean not a wink. I saw every passing minute: knew when my neighbor used the bathroom, knew when the sprinkles were turned on, knew when the paperboy delivered the paper, knew at what time the first jogger passed by my place. It was terrible! In addition, I had to work today. I need to say that my sleepless night made me think a lot about my life:

1) I need to find my passion. I like certain stuff, but I can honestly say I haven’t found my passion. The only thing that has come close is Languages and their associated different cultures.  

2) I need to work for myself. Due to my insomnia, I cannot get up at a set time every morning. When I don’t sleep, I have heart palpitations, vertigo, fatigue, and most importantly migraines. Working for myself would give me serious flexibility.

3) I need to travel. They say that one needs to distinguish between wants and needs, so it’s with all consciousness that I say to you that I need to travel. It calls to me. I hear about peoples travels or watch the traveling channel or read books and think why can’t I be there? Why can’t I just get up and go?

4) I need to make time and walk at night. Last month (or maybe the prior month), I used to walk every single night and it was awesome. I would walk with my head up looking at the sky (and let me tell you I had some bruises to prove it) and just daydream. I was in complete and utter peace. And on a Friday I would push my bedtime that once and go walking at midnight (my neighborhood is safe so I can do that). Let me tell you there is nothing like walking at midnight and looking at the sky, and wondering about the universe and your place in it. It’s freeing.

5) I do love what I’m studying in graduate school, but with what I want out of life and the jobs in my chosen field, I wonder if I made the right choice. And that question scares the living crap out of me. Can you imagine studying 4 years of undergrad and than specializing in grad school to only later on realizing that that’s not what you want to do? That is time and money spent for no reason. Granted, I’ll never say that that’s a wasted education because there’s no such thing as wasted knowledge. But the question remains, if not that then what? I swear to you that when I asked myself that I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep for the rest of the night because I started crying and got diarrhea. What am I going to do?

6) I need to put more truth in God. Don’t get me wrong, I trust Him, I trust Him with all my heart and soul but I still have panic attacks and still freak out. When I was younger, my instincts were sharp, when I say sharp I mean uber sharp. They are still sharp but not as sharp. When I was younger I knew what I wanted to study, and even with the migraines I still push through it; I knew where I wanted to intern and pushed through it. I pushed through everything. But now, now is another story. I don’t know if I pushed through too much or if I’m tired of pushing but the faith and motivation is no longer there. I used to think “I won’t worry, God always has my back” and just continued my day. Now I still have that mentality but instead of moving along with my day, I stop and worry.

7) I have to keep reading and writing. I am an avid reader, I love reading. I have stopped of late and noticed that because of this my brain got slow and very lazy. I need to keep it active and alive. Also, I have to keep up with this blog because it has enormously improved my writing skills.

This post will be published without being edited. As I was writing this, I felt both hopeful and depressed. I didn’t know that such opposite feelings could coexist. Hopeful for knowing that my future can change, but depress to realize that at 30 I haven’t figured my life out.

 

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