“We all change …

“We all change when you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good. You’ve got to keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. Times change and so must I” Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith)

Have I told you guys that I’m a Doctor Who fan? Yes sir, I am! Started watching it with the Ninth Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) and cannot wait for the new season this fall with the Twelfth Doctor (Peter Capaldi). I think that traveling through time and space is beyond spectacular really, it’s the human dream. It’s the human dream to want to see what was and what shall be. I think it would be exciting for me to travel through time because I just love reinventing myself. Think about it: let’s say that you’re going back to the Victorian era, you get to dress up with clothes from that era and play a character of your liking (granted with Doctor Who you wouldn’t dress up because people will see you as a person from that era). So time traveling would be a form of reinvention one can say. The lesson that I’ve taken from the Doctor is his open-mindedness. I’ve always thought that one should always be open-minded to possibilities because it’s with that sense of awareness that change happens. Like it or not change has to happen in one way or another; so by being aware of yourself, and your surroundings you can subtly detect changes and determine if they will be good or bad. Also, with that same perceptiveness, you can prompt change. That change, subtle or not, will trigger your reinvention.

It’s always been my personal opinion that reinvention not only helps keep you happy and peaceful but also is a sign of an active and healthy brain. I reinvent myself once a month, every time I do my monthly bucket list! The purpose of doing so is to better yourself. I have faults (we all do) so the bucket list is a way to make a list of our faults, find a solution for them, and find a way to implement those solutions. By implementing the solutions, you are changing yourself for the better that will trigger your rebirth, or to use a Doctor Who term, regeneration. This regeneration is an eye opener because you’ll experience the same old things in a different light because your perspective in life would have changed since your mindset changed. For this regeneration (reinvention) to happen, you must first realize what’s not working, what’s not working well and what’s working. Second you must first understand why it’s not working, why it’s not working well, and why it is working well. Finally based on your findings from the second step, you must either let go what’s not working or replace it with something that you think might be better, find solutions to make what’s not working well work great, and finally sticking with what’s working well and see if you can implement some of that notion into the rest of the list.

This is what I’ve noticed from my May list:

1)   Pushing myself is good and it helps, but I shouldn’t over do it.

2)   I am NOT a vegetarian! I tried it and literally got sick, so I’m sticking to my fruits, vegetables, and seafood.

3)   The way I’ve been studying wasn’t enough, how do I know this? I didn’t pass my test. Since I can take it over again, I need to change my strategy.

So this is my June bucket list:

1)   Do my nightly walks when possible. Ever since June hit, it’s been raining 24/7!!!! So I haven’t done my walks for the last 2 weeks.

2)   Re-do my study list and be very precise, as in today I’m going to read this chapter and tomorrow I’ll implement what I’ve learned.

3)   Continue eating healthy: more vegetables, more fruits, include tea in my diet.

4)   Drink more water. If I want some juice it’s going to be made by myself!

5)   Exercise 3 -4 times a week. I wanted to exercise 6 times a week but it wasn’t working because there are some nights I am too tired and when my insomnia hits, it is bad.

6)   I will have 2 adventures this month. I don’t know what it can be: kayaking, hiking, mountain climbing. I don’t know but I have to do at least 2 this month.

As you can see, I’ve taken notice of what worked and what didn’t work from last month’s list. Wish me luck! Please feel free to comment!

 

 

Grey

This week has not been a good week for me. It started out marvelously: slept very well, studied and did everything that I had planned to do. However, last night I did not sleep a wink; when I say not a wink, I mean not a wink. I saw every passing minute: knew when my neighbor used the bathroom, knew when the sprinkles were turned on, knew when the paperboy delivered the paper, knew at what time the first jogger passed by my place. It was terrible! In addition, I had to work today. I need to say that my sleepless night made me think a lot about my life:

1) I need to find my passion. I like certain stuff, but I can honestly say I haven’t found my passion. The only thing that has come close is Languages and their associated different cultures.  

2) I need to work for myself. Due to my insomnia, I cannot get up at a set time every morning. When I don’t sleep, I have heart palpitations, vertigo, fatigue, and most importantly migraines. Working for myself would give me serious flexibility.

3) I need to travel. They say that one needs to distinguish between wants and needs, so it’s with all consciousness that I say to you that I need to travel. It calls to me. I hear about peoples travels or watch the traveling channel or read books and think why can’t I be there? Why can’t I just get up and go?

4) I need to make time and walk at night. Last month (or maybe the prior month), I used to walk every single night and it was awesome. I would walk with my head up looking at the sky (and let me tell you I had some bruises to prove it) and just daydream. I was in complete and utter peace. And on a Friday I would push my bedtime that once and go walking at midnight (my neighborhood is safe so I can do that). Let me tell you there is nothing like walking at midnight and looking at the sky, and wondering about the universe and your place in it. It’s freeing.

5) I do love what I’m studying in graduate school, but with what I want out of life and the jobs in my chosen field, I wonder if I made the right choice. And that question scares the living crap out of me. Can you imagine studying 4 years of undergrad and than specializing in grad school to only later on realizing that that’s not what you want to do? That is time and money spent for no reason. Granted, I’ll never say that that’s a wasted education because there’s no such thing as wasted knowledge. But the question remains, if not that then what? I swear to you that when I asked myself that I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep for the rest of the night because I started crying and got diarrhea. What am I going to do?

6) I need to put more truth in God. Don’t get me wrong, I trust Him, I trust Him with all my heart and soul but I still have panic attacks and still freak out. When I was younger, my instincts were sharp, when I say sharp I mean uber sharp. They are still sharp but not as sharp. When I was younger I knew what I wanted to study, and even with the migraines I still push through it; I knew where I wanted to intern and pushed through it. I pushed through everything. But now, now is another story. I don’t know if I pushed through too much or if I’m tired of pushing but the faith and motivation is no longer there. I used to think “I won’t worry, God always has my back” and just continued my day. Now I still have that mentality but instead of moving along with my day, I stop and worry.

7) I have to keep reading and writing. I am an avid reader, I love reading. I have stopped of late and noticed that because of this my brain got slow and very lazy. I need to keep it active and alive. Also, I have to keep up with this blog because it has enormously improved my writing skills.

This post will be published without being edited. As I was writing this, I felt both hopeful and depressed. I didn’t know that such opposite feelings could coexist. Hopeful for knowing that my future can change, but depress to realize that at 30 I haven’t figured my life out.

 

Today was a good day!

Today was a good day because I set out to do everything on my to-do list! Well everything but one, I couldn’t sneak an hour of studying at my work. When I came home I studied for only an hour, which, granted is not enough, but is still something. This morning when I woke up, I did my little exercise and it did somewhat wake me up. And I already know what clothes that I’m wearing for work tomorrow. I’m going to continue doing my planned tasks that are on my schedule for the week. I think that by gaining that habit, I can easily do more from it. For example, I could only study one hour today (I cannot focus longer than that without taking breaks but it’s already late and bedtime is around the corner) but by Saturday I know for a fact that not only will I study for more than an hour, but also I’ll see studying as part of my chore, as something that I know I have to do and will do. This excites me! I feel one step closer toward my goal!

My weekly shedule

My weekly shedule

This will be my schedule for the week of April 14. I want to start the day with some exercise to wake me up and give me some energy. I will try my hardest to accomplish this. I know those of you reading this might think that I will have time to do all of it: I can just come home after work, eat exercise and study, or even do more. But the problem is being an insomniac and a migraine sufferer, I have to go to bed every night at the same time so my body can get used to my sleeping schedule. By pushing my sleeping schedule, there is a huge possibility that I will not get enough sleep, which in turn will trigger my migraines. The realization that I have limits ironically shows me that I’m limitless if/when I can just successfully manage my time.

If you are reading this, please feel free to leave me comments or questions. If you’re reading this and are going through the same thing, know that you’re not alone and change does exist.

Four months into the New Year…

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written that I had forgotten the name of my own blog! Sad yet hilarious! So why am I back? The thought of reinstating my blog came up when I was interviewed by my cousin for a class project. She asked me if I could choose one word to describe myself what would it be? Without hesitating, I responded changeable. My life is changeable. I’m a work in progress: I’m always taking two steps forward and five steps back, experimenting to see if this will work for me and if not then I’ll try that. Honestly, I didn’t forget about the blog, I was ashamed of it. Ashamed of not accomplishing what I set out to do; please understand that I said accomplishing, not failing. Failing means trying and not succeeding, whereas not accomplishing means giving up mid-way. I have this awful habit of never finishing what I started and I only became like this in my adult life. As a child, stress was a rush for me. I would start multiple projects at once for the stress of it but finished them at the designated deadlines nonetheless. Finishing what I started, as a child, gave me a sense of satisfaction, a sense of well-being, a sense of victory. I am trying to go back to that state of mind, not necessarily beginning multiple tasks at once, but finishing a started task. The simple truth is I’ve become lazy, complacent, boring (granted the term “boring” is very subjective). Whenever I would start something, I would talk myself out of it thinking I’d have time to do it later, or I’ll do it some other time, and eventually I either forget to do it or completely loose interest. I need to change this form of plateau, I need to fight this life or death situation. Yes, it is life or death because of you remain immobile your entire life, you’re no longer living but existing, if you’re not creating change or making an impact, you might as well be dead.

This is in a sense my awakening. My goal for today is to figure out what my chores for the week will be and organize them. Once that’s figured out, I’m going to post my schedule and update every time I’m done with a chore. This will be my form of accountability. 

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