I need your help with this issue (supernatural)

Y’all I have a very deep and spiritual question to ask. I have lived in my mom’s condo for the past 12 years (rent is to damn high therefore my behind is staying with mommy!). During those 12 years, I kid you not, my room has been the epicenter for weird stuff… Weird spiritual stuff. For example one day I came home from work exhausted and was about to go to bed, but first took my earrings off and put them on my desk, then went to bed and started sleeping on my left side. However, as I was turning over to go on my right side something stung my back, I looked and there was my earrings! Keep in mind that my desk and bed are on opposite walls. Another time, I was home alone, fell asleep and woke up with a blanket on me. I’m okay with those incidents but still we called a priest and something was done. However, last night something happened that never happened to me before.

I went to sleep at 12:21 am, but before I went to sleep I was feeling very depressed. Extremely depressed, I’m not where I should be in my life at my age (30). So I said a small prayer and asked God to show me what I needed to do to find happiness. To show me the necessary steps. It was a very small prayer. So I turned off all my lights and went to bed. As I’m settling in, I could feel that I wasn’t alone. My priest has always told me that whenever I feel like that always say “if you are from God, you may stay, but if you are from the devil begone now!”. I said those words, the feeling was still there so I was like whatever from God means good! I’m laying on my back and falling asleep, and suddenly I felt this sort of electrical spark between my feet, I looked up and nothing. But I felt it again and again, and then out of nowhere I felt myself being pulled from my body, my eyes were still closed but I could feel that there was light! As I slightly open my eyes I see other eyes staring at me (color of those eyes were extremely light brown almost yellow). But for some odd reason I knew that those eyes were my eyes. So I closed them and woke myself up! Woke up everything was fine in my room. So I went back to sleep again and the same thing happened, but the problem was as I was leaving my body (I felt the pull from my chest, in between my boobies) I wasn’t leaving all the way. I started hearing voices and when I turned my head I could see this older woman and man talking (both dressed in white). The woman was saying “she wants change yet she’s not leaving.” And then I woke up! But when I woke up my upper body was in pain, when I say pain I mean pain (even this morning I was feeling the heaviness of my limbs!).

Has anyone ever experienced this? If so what exactly did you do? I feel as though it wasn’t negative but it freaked me out. In addition, something tells me that it might happen again and I just want to know what to do if it does.

“We all change …

“We all change when you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good. You’ve got to keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. Times change and so must I” Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith)

Have I told you guys that I’m a Doctor Who fan? Yes sir, I am! Started watching it with the Ninth Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) and cannot wait for the new season this fall with the Twelfth Doctor (Peter Capaldi). I think that traveling through time and space is beyond spectacular really, it’s the human dream. It’s the human dream to want to see what was and what shall be. I think it would be exciting for me to travel through time because I just love reinventing myself. Think about it: let’s say that you’re going back to the Victorian era, you get to dress up with clothes from that era and play a character of your liking (granted with Doctor Who you wouldn’t dress up because people will see you as a person from that era). So time traveling would be a form of reinvention one can say. The lesson that I’ve taken from the Doctor is his open-mindedness. I’ve always thought that one should always be open-minded to possibilities because it’s with that sense of awareness that change happens. Like it or not change has to happen in one way or another; so by being aware of yourself, and your surroundings you can subtly detect changes and determine if they will be good or bad. Also, with that same perceptiveness, you can prompt change. That change, subtle or not, will trigger your reinvention.

It’s always been my personal opinion that reinvention not only helps keep you happy and peaceful but also is a sign of an active and healthy brain. I reinvent myself once a month, every time I do my monthly bucket list! The purpose of doing so is to better yourself. I have faults (we all do) so the bucket list is a way to make a list of our faults, find a solution for them, and find a way to implement those solutions. By implementing the solutions, you are changing yourself for the better that will trigger your rebirth, or to use a Doctor Who term, regeneration. This regeneration is an eye opener because you’ll experience the same old things in a different light because your perspective in life would have changed since your mindset changed. For this regeneration (reinvention) to happen, you must first realize what’s not working, what’s not working well and what’s working. Second you must first understand why it’s not working, why it’s not working well, and why it is working well. Finally based on your findings from the second step, you must either let go what’s not working or replace it with something that you think might be better, find solutions to make what’s not working well work great, and finally sticking with what’s working well and see if you can implement some of that notion into the rest of the list.

This is what I’ve noticed from my May list:

1)   Pushing myself is good and it helps, but I shouldn’t over do it.

2)   I am NOT a vegetarian! I tried it and literally got sick, so I’m sticking to my fruits, vegetables, and seafood.

3)   The way I’ve been studying wasn’t enough, how do I know this? I didn’t pass my test. Since I can take it over again, I need to change my strategy.

So this is my June bucket list:

1)   Do my nightly walks when possible. Ever since June hit, it’s been raining 24/7!!!! So I haven’t done my walks for the last 2 weeks.

2)   Re-do my study list and be very precise, as in today I’m going to read this chapter and tomorrow I’ll implement what I’ve learned.

3)   Continue eating healthy: more vegetables, more fruits, include tea in my diet.

4)   Drink more water. If I want some juice it’s going to be made by myself!

5)   Exercise 3 -4 times a week. I wanted to exercise 6 times a week but it wasn’t working because there are some nights I am too tired and when my insomnia hits, it is bad.

6)   I will have 2 adventures this month. I don’t know what it can be: kayaking, hiking, mountain climbing. I don’t know but I have to do at least 2 this month.

As you can see, I’ve taken notice of what worked and what didn’t work from last month’s list. Wish me luck! Please feel free to comment!

 

 

You are magnificent

I’m an Anglophile and my “new” favorite British TV show is “As time goes by” (a show that lasted from 1992 to 2005). It’s about two old lovers rekindling their love 30 years or so later, and is quite an eye-opener on courtship. The main characters always compare how courtship now and then is completely different. Courtships nowadays are moving too fast, happening too soon: if you don’t “put out” within a month, or kiss on a first date you are considered a prude. I don’t have a problem with people having sex within a month or even on a first date, I don’t have a problem with that whatsoever, but I have a problem when it’s expected from everyone. If it happens that I am like that society deems it okay, but if my views are different I’m suddenly sullied with the title of “Prude”. To be quite franc I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks of me, but I’m shocked to how I am viewed based on uncustomary expectations. Since I’m not going to change my views for someone else’s opinions, I’m going to keep being me. And darling I am fabulous!

One thing that I think is important when entering/wanting courtship is to first think about yourself in an objective and a subjective manner. You need to ask yourself questions: who are you? Do you love yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you truly accept yourself for who you are? What are your flaws? What flaws are urgent for you to change? Are you changing for yourself or to get someone? Would you date yourself? Are you a good person? If not, what needs changing? These are extremely important questions to answer because keep in mind that when going into a relationship, two personalities will merge; so if you can’t stand yourself, how can someone else stand you? It is not the job of your significant other to fix you, that job is solely yours. They can guide you to a certain direction, but to get a significant other in order to fix you is setting yourself up for heartbreak. Remember by asking yourself these questions you are a taking steps to becoming a better you. My motto has always been be a person that you’d be best friends with. One thing I need to emphasize and re-emphasize: do these changes for you and only you! I hear people saying that they need to loose weight to get a man or be a bodybuilder to get a woman. That’s not the way to go about it! It’s okay to loose weight, it’s okay to be a bodybuilder, nothing wrong with having those type of goals but do it to improve your confidence because once you do it for you, you will keep it up and it will become easier to do.

Face your insecurities! Be a better you! This list has always helped me, hopefully it will for you.

1) Exercise if you can. I notice that weight has always played a role in someone’s confidence: if you are heavy, you have low self-esteem whereas if you are thin or fit, you have high self-esteem. This is where the question “do you accept yourself?” comes in. If you don’t accept yourself physically you have two choices: change by exercising and modifying your diet or stay as you are and accept it.
2) Expand your mind. Have you ever been amongst people talking about matters you don’t know anything about? I have and felt so dumb that I wanted to go hide in the bathroom. Suggestions: know about current events, read, watch the latest movies, go to art galleries and so on. Do things in every aspect of life so you can have an idea of what the world is. Simple example, I went to a social gathering and a guy asked me if I ever went skydiving, I answered no I haven’t but I’ve gone river rafting! And to be honest, I felt great!
3) Go back/finish school. If you’ve always wanted to go back to school, now is the time! Go for it! If you did go but left without finishing, go back! I’m trying to complete my Masters and it’s freaking hard but I know that once I’m done, I’ll have such a sense of accomplishment.
4) Get a hobby.
5) Go for nightly walks. I love walking at night under the stars because it clears my head. The point of this step is to do something that brings you inner peace, to have a “me time”.
6) Learn something new. This might be a new language, a new skill, a new dance move, a new instrument! Learning is good! (This might fall under get a hobby.)
7) Make a bucket list! Make a weekly/monthly/yearly bucket list. Make realistic lists, things you wish to accomplish in a certain amount of time, update the list regularly. Each time you accomplish something your confidence will increase!

The purpose of this new post is to explain that a courtship starts with you. Confidence is not only the sexiest asset but also the most important one. These steps are meant to help you with your confidence, increase it so you can become a better version of you.

Answers

Answers

One of the things on my to-do list was to start my nightly walks. As stated in my previous post, I just love walking at night. I think better. However, tonight was different. For some reason, all of my senses were on edge: I could hear everything, see everything, most importantly feel everything. I have walked by myself in the past and never experienced anything like this. As I walked, I could hear the wind moving the leaves on the trees, could clearly see the crescent moon and its shaded side; but it was my skin, I could feel every particle in my body when the wind hit me. For those of you thinking that I’m on some kind of medicine or illegal substance, I’m not. The only high that I’m on now is from the walk.

As I am feeling all this, I wished that life could be easy and every question answered. Then it hit me, or maybe the wind whispered it to me, all questions are answered. All questions are answered, all answers have questions. The problem is that of perspective: we might not like the answer, we might not want the answer or we might not be ready for the answer. A lot of people fall in the first category: not liking the answer. I fall into that category because it usually means a lot of effort and work. For example: the exam that I’m studying for is not hard, I fear it because I’m not putting the effort necessary to see it as a simple exam. Secondly, a lot of people might not want the answer but want to stay in denial. Believe it or not, some people see denial as a warm blanket that can and will protect them. Finally a lot of people may not be ready for the answer because they are not “there” yet. They might not yet have realized that a question was asked or the importance of that question. Either way the answers are there staring at us.

Tonight I had stated that life should be easier. So the question asked was how can I make my life easier and that’s when all of the answers hit me at once. Those answers started the outline of the definition of my person. Of course a list popped in my head.

1) Push yourself a little harder. Not to hard because you wont be able to handle to hard. Just a little more.

2) I want tot ry to become a vegetarian. I don’t eat meat but I do eat seafood. I’m going to stop eating seafood for a month, add more vegetables and fruits to my diet. Let’s see how I feel!

3) Re-channel my aggressiveness. If I am to be honest with myself, I am a very aggressive person and to be franc I love that about me! However, I need to try to channel more if it into what I want to accomplish, i.e. studying, exercising, praying and so on.

4) Continue my daily walks of course!

5) Continue with the way I’ve been studying and sooner or later I will pass that test!

6) Face all of the answers. There is a reason why you asked questions. Since you asked search for the answer and accept it. I hear people all the time saying that they prayed and God didn’t answer them. God did answer them actually but they just didn’t like the answer. God answered my prayers for the test, I didn’t like it but I had to toughen up and do what I had to do. Remember: an answer may have alternate solutions, i.e. that there is one answer but different ways to apply the solution. For example the answer to my test is to study, but how do I study? I have to do a game plan, divide my load and so on. The answer is there, but there are different methods of application.

This is my May list. My May list came from an epiphany initiated by my 45 minute nightly walk.

Grey

This week has not been a good week for me. It started out marvelously: slept very well, studied and did everything that I had planned to do. However, last night I did not sleep a wink; when I say not a wink, I mean not a wink. I saw every passing minute: knew when my neighbor used the bathroom, knew when the sprinkles were turned on, knew when the paperboy delivered the paper, knew at what time the first jogger passed by my place. It was terrible! In addition, I had to work today. I need to say that my sleepless night made me think a lot about my life:

1) I need to find my passion. I like certain stuff, but I can honestly say I haven’t found my passion. The only thing that has come close is Languages and their associated different cultures.  

2) I need to work for myself. Due to my insomnia, I cannot get up at a set time every morning. When I don’t sleep, I have heart palpitations, vertigo, fatigue, and most importantly migraines. Working for myself would give me serious flexibility.

3) I need to travel. They say that one needs to distinguish between wants and needs, so it’s with all consciousness that I say to you that I need to travel. It calls to me. I hear about peoples travels or watch the traveling channel or read books and think why can’t I be there? Why can’t I just get up and go?

4) I need to make time and walk at night. Last month (or maybe the prior month), I used to walk every single night and it was awesome. I would walk with my head up looking at the sky (and let me tell you I had some bruises to prove it) and just daydream. I was in complete and utter peace. And on a Friday I would push my bedtime that once and go walking at midnight (my neighborhood is safe so I can do that). Let me tell you there is nothing like walking at midnight and looking at the sky, and wondering about the universe and your place in it. It’s freeing.

5) I do love what I’m studying in graduate school, but with what I want out of life and the jobs in my chosen field, I wonder if I made the right choice. And that question scares the living crap out of me. Can you imagine studying 4 years of undergrad and than specializing in grad school to only later on realizing that that’s not what you want to do? That is time and money spent for no reason. Granted, I’ll never say that that’s a wasted education because there’s no such thing as wasted knowledge. But the question remains, if not that then what? I swear to you that when I asked myself that I knew that I wasn’t going to sleep for the rest of the night because I started crying and got diarrhea. What am I going to do?

6) I need to put more truth in God. Don’t get me wrong, I trust Him, I trust Him with all my heart and soul but I still have panic attacks and still freak out. When I was younger, my instincts were sharp, when I say sharp I mean uber sharp. They are still sharp but not as sharp. When I was younger I knew what I wanted to study, and even with the migraines I still push through it; I knew where I wanted to intern and pushed through it. I pushed through everything. But now, now is another story. I don’t know if I pushed through too much or if I’m tired of pushing but the faith and motivation is no longer there. I used to think “I won’t worry, God always has my back” and just continued my day. Now I still have that mentality but instead of moving along with my day, I stop and worry.

7) I have to keep reading and writing. I am an avid reader, I love reading. I have stopped of late and noticed that because of this my brain got slow and very lazy. I need to keep it active and alive. Also, I have to keep up with this blog because it has enormously improved my writing skills.

This post will be published without being edited. As I was writing this, I felt both hopeful and depressed. I didn’t know that such opposite feelings could coexist. Hopeful for knowing that my future can change, but depress to realize that at 30 I haven’t figured my life out.

 

The cha-cha-cha!

Happy Good Friday!

Here’s my update for the week. This week did not turn out how I had planned it: have not been studying or doing my little morning routine. I suffer from insomnia and I felt its evil presence this week. I describe my insomnia as continuous yet cyclical, meaning that I always have it but some days are more pronounced than others. I go to bed at 10 pm and get up at 7 am, that’s 9 hours; however, just because I go to bed at 10 doesn’t mean that I go to sleep at 10. Most nights I either stay awake until midnight or go to sleep immediately and wake up through out the night, or wake up 4 hours later. When I don’t sleep for one night I’m more or less okay, but when I don’t sleep for continuous nights I cannot focus, I get agitated and anxious and my migraine slowly builds up for an attack. When I get migraines, it starts with my left eye and goes from my eye to the back of my left ear (when there’s a weather change, it starts from my nose, goes to my left eye and then goes behind my left ear). So when I have migraines, I can’t read. I take Excedrin Migraine for my migraines because that’s the only thing that helps. My recovery process has two steps: I have to first recover from the migraine, and secondly recover from the Excedrin. Excedrin kills my body: I get lethargic, drowsy, dry mouth, just plain slow and sick.

Just because I had a bad week, doesn’t mean that next week will be the same. It does get better and I will try my best to make it better. I have lived half of my life thinking that a bad day equals a bad life, or if it didn’t happen that way then it wasn’t meant to be. My new motto and mantra is to try your hardest and if it didn’t work out, at least you tried. It might not necessarily be that it wasn’t meant to be, it might be that it wasn’t meant to be that time, but it was for a later time.

On a more positive note I’m going to the library tomorrow to study all day! I’m a nerd, I just adore libraries, book stores and books! What can I say? I’m a bibliophile! 

For those of you reading this, thank you.